Let's Start the New Year Right

Today feels like a lot of endings. Q4 is over, so this is my last blog on emotional resilience as part of an OKR. The year 2019 and subsequently the decade are both over. December flips the calendar back to January and it should feel like a fresh start, a clean slate.

The reality is that tomorrow will come, and aside from not going to work on a Wednesday it will feel like just another day. There is no magic spell that happens at midnight that will suddenly propel me into a new version of myself or a better head space or a luckier life.

As we are faced with so many endings that can feel sort of empty, I wanted to take a moment to remind all of us that true change and happiness can be gradual and that not feeling like a brand new shiny person on January 1 doesn't make you a failure. Not making New Year's Resolutions is not a failure. If there was only one thing that you take away from all of my musings this quarter, I would want it to be that the path to resilience and fulfillment looks different for everyone. You have to find what works for yourself!

With that in mind, I wanted to close out this year and this blog series with a couple of "non-resolutions" I am taking into 2020. I call them non-resolutions because I am not expecting any definite results here; I am not setting out any formulas or giving myself the pressure of hitting some numeric indicator. These are more like reminders for myself- touchstones that I can go back to when I start to feel like I am failing in some way or letting someone else down. Much of this has come from the research I've done into emotional resilience this quarter, but I also have gotten to know myself so much better in 2019 and that growth will probably be reflected in these non-resolutions also.

1) Love yourself the way you love your best friend.
When I was going through a particularly hard time earlier this year, I was struggling to find any value in what I was doing day to day. I felt like I was directionless, and I was being very hard on myself for not being more organized or motivated or inspired. I was expressing this frustration to my roommate, and she stopped me and said "hey. You've got to be nicer to my friend." If you can't find it within to be kind to yourself right now, stop for a moment and consider how you would treat a close friend or partner who was feeling the same way you are. Chances are you wouldn't belittle them or push them to be different- you would encourage them and speak life to them. You would make sure that you looked them in the eyes and made them understand that even when life is the pits you are on their team. As we head into a new decade, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and extend that same grace you would give those you care most about. You're worth it, and it's true. ♥

2) Get to the root of the feeling faster.
This is one of my biggest areas of growth from 2019 so I want to be sure to keep it top of mind in 2020! I'm practicing the CALM MO I wrote about in my last post and making a dedicated effort to try and understand my own emotional life better. By practicing being mindful of the things that make me happy and why they do, I am retraining my brain so that I can do the same when I am feeling sad or angry or stressed. I look forward to more and better results as I continue to be honest and transparent with myself about how I'm feeling and why!

3) Expectation is not a good motivation.
In fact it shouldn't really be in the equation at all. There are P L E N T Y of other reasons to do (or not do!) things. Life and all of the options available in it are rarely ever black and white boxes, so if you are faced with a decision on what to do, don't be afraid to approach it creatively. If you are given two options but can see a third one too- ask! The worst thing you will be told is no, and there is nothing lost in doing so. I am not talking about expectations of performance at work- I am talking about not being obligated to act one specific way just because a label has been assigned to you. There is no one right path, so make some choices that surprise yourself and enjoy the journey it takes you on.

Last but not least, I wanted to link a bunch of resources that I found helpful on this learning adventure. There are a bunch of links here, and most of the time one thing led to another and then another. I cannot recommend it enough to check out all the resource available on LinkedIn Learning. I hope this has been as helpful for you as it has been for me, and here's to a new year of growth!

26 Questions to Help Know Yourself Better
Developing Gratitude
In Praise of Gratitude (this was my favorite article!)
Learning How to Process Negative Emotions
Reasons Why You Make Bad Decisions
Mood Tracking Inspiration

BONUS: I tried to fill my mind with good things and not negative, so I flooded my social media feeds with helpful (or at the very least happy) content! Here are a few of my favorite and most uplifting follows on Instagram this year:
@heyamberrae
@ruthielindsey
@nathanwpylestrangeplanet
@studiodiy & her husband @jeffmindell

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As a prize for making it to the end, please enjoy this Baby Yoda because he's the real source of all joy, forever and ever. 

Being Alive

Isn't being alive just the best, most wonderful, weird, crazy, stressful experience? If I've learned anything from writing this blog over the last 10 weeks or so it would be that we know so much more than we give ourselves credit for, but we also pretty much know nothing in the grand scheme of things 😂 With that in mind, let me try and help expand your knowledge just a little more by examining the role that negative emotions play in our lives.

We've already covered how to cope with the day to day stressors that accompany this job. It is not uncommon to have a bad day or even a bad week sometimes! If you need a refresher, check out my post on Vampires and how to overcome them. Today, however, I want to delve even deeper and look at negative emotions and how we can try to identify them and cope with them effectively.

As I often do, I feel it is important to say a few things before diving all the way in here: I am not a doctor, nor do I have any medical background. There are very real circumstances and conditions that may require more help than just trying to shift your mindset, and if that is the case then there is absolutely no shame in that! If that is your situation, please know that I am for you and with you and that this is not meant to be a slap in the face or a dismissal of those realities. These are merely some suggestions I can offer based on my own experiences and research. 

Ok. Let's start by putting some parameters on what we are talking about! "Negative emotions" can be any emotion or sense that makes you feel uneasy or unhappy. Common iterations are fear, guilt, confusion, grief, embarrassment, jealousy, resentment, regret or self-pity. These are naturally occurring emotions that literally every human experiences, and yet we can still feel very isolated when we are experiencing them.

We tend to consider negative emotions to be dangerous. They can be brutal or painful, yes, but they are not the enemy. When we try to repress a feeling that we consider to be dangerous in some way, we are basically engaging in emotional warfare with ourselves. These feelings exist to help develop and refine us, not destroy us. Dr. Gregg Henriques notes that it is important "to understand that you have a 'heart' that is feeling things in your body and a 'head' that is narrating things."

Picture your "heart" and "head" on a teeter-totter. Your heart (i.e your emotions, feelings and gut instincts) is on one side and your head (logic, practicality and your personal narrator) on the other. A lot of interactions and experiences in our lives can be balanced out pretty naturally and they head and the heart keep each other in check. Negative emotions, however, can weigh heavier on one end than the other of the scale and try to pin it down, leaving the opposite helpless and stuck. We experience emotional difficulty is when we try to let one or the other take full control, especially when the side we want to be running the show is stuck on the up side of a broken see-saw. A vicious cycle can be created, for instance, when your emotions are overwhelming you but you try to let logic control it. You may end up feeling even more triggered, attacked or overwhelmed which in turn makes you crave even more control. Outside stress is just amplified when you add internal pressure to it! This works both ways, but part of learning to be our best selves means finding the proper balance between our heads and our hearts.

SO. What can we do when this spiral starts happening? The answer can often lie in mindfulness! Dr. Henriques recommends developing a "new meta" perspective. This means setting up some boundaries and expectations for yourself around negative feelings and how you relate to them before you are in the midst of them. By taking intentional steps to try and step outside of your first person experience and process your emotions and thoughts you can help yourself process your thoughts and feelings in a productive way. It's all about gaining perspective on your inner self by identifying your thoughts and feelings about your thoughts and feelings, hence the term "new meta." This is not to say that you will have some bunker mentality plan made up ahead of time that will help you stamp out negative emotion entirely. Rather, it means practicing your mindfulness in positive situations so that your neural pathways are trained to do so in times of stress as well. Consider using the acronym C.A.L.M.: Curious, Accepting, Loving, and Motivated.

When you start to feel an overwhelming emotion, start with Curiosity. Ask yourself a few clarifying questions about it! No matter how simple the answer may be, try to remain honest with yourself about why you are feeling a particular thing. As you are identifying the emotion you are experiencing, remember to extend yourself the same grace of Acceptance and Love that you would give to your best friend if they were in your shoes. Remember that you are only hoisting more stress onto yourself when one function tries to overtake the other, so give your self a break if you feel this happening; no need to exacerbate the issue. Lastly, remind yourself of your Motivations behind identifying what is bothering you. It is essential to your overall well being as a human, an employee, a friend, a partner, a family member... the list goes on.

When you can change how you choose to respond to tricky emotional situations you will start to see the fruit of a more balanced life start to bloom. You'll find yourself in a healthy and resilient place instead of n exhausted and overwhelmed one. Just remember that negative emotions are not the enemy and they exist to develop and not destroy you! You are amazing and your thoughts and feelings have value- remain C.A.L.M. and you'll find yourself carrying on in no time ♥